Notes from Florida

Before you ask, the answer is no. I somehow made it to Florida and did not have any oranges or grapefruit. The closest I got was having a lemon with my water. Here are some notes from my travels.

Thursday: I got off of work early. It was not very helpful as we made our plane, but apparently we were the last people to check-in. We didn’t have any major problems. Although our seats were separated and we had to quickly chow down our dinners, no one was “bumped” and we did not miss the plane. However, I do have to ask why is it that when you travel you must listen to the same repeated instructions? “Please have your photo ID and boarding pass ready” and “be sure to dispose of liquids, take your shoes and belts off, etc. It is extremely irritating and I don’t believe that it saves any significant time. I’m not real sure of metal detector technology, but haven’t they developed a highly efficient metal detector that can detect things in shoes? I mean I understand someone tried to blow up a plane by lighting his shoes on fire, but you would think that they would have improved “shoe bomb detection” technology.

After my venture through check-in and the security check point I decided on some fast food. As I was ordering my dinner, why did the guy at Quiznos look at me bewildered when I asked for water? His response was “Water in a cup?” No Einstein, I want to water on my head. Seriously he did not know what to do as if asking for water was a strange request

I rapidly ate my dinner and boarded the plane. I figure that I haven’t traveled since 2004, but I did not realize that things had changed. There are no more phones on board (maybe that is just an Air Tran thing), however they did have XM satellite on board!!! This is great considering all I (and by “I”, I mean my fiancé and I) had was a portable DVD player to watch some stupid chick flick. She denied my request to watch the greatest television show on TV, Scrubs, season 4, so XM was just what I needed. As I have previously stated I am not a techno guru, and have not invested in either a Discman, MP3, or Ipod, and my semi-broken, old fashioned walkman is probably still in my parents house.

I have never listed to satellite radio. Unfortunately I did not have the pleasure of Howard Stern, but I did get to listen to Alfred Drake’s “What a beautiful morning” a 1940s classic. I also was able to have a joint with a refreshing Starbucks!!! No, marijuana and airline smoking laws have not changed. The joint is a reggae station on XM and Starbucks has their own station as well. Unfortunately there wasn’t a Penguins game and the Rhode Island game was not played, but there is a plethora of music, sports, and talk shows to listen to!!! Awesome.

We landed, rented a car, and made it to our destination without any problems. As for the rest of the trip, tune in tomorrow.

Pass this test

Pennsylvania Sixth graders, start sweating! Memorize those multiplication tables, memorize that jingle "in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue", start applying the quadradic equation, learn the scientific method, and start to recite Hamlet. The state of Pennsylvania is going to require you to pass a state exam to graduate high school. I have my opinions on this subject, which I will share in the near future, but I have decided to come up with my own version of this exam. Not just 1 version, but 2. Remember having those "A" exams and "B"exams in school? I certainly do.

Test A

1. How many songs can you download on a 1 GB ipod?

2. What is a microscope?

3. Read the following sentence and answer the question below:

"The cat walked to the store to and purchased a glass of milk"

What did the cat purchase at the store?

4. Add the following 1 + ___ = 3

A. 1

B. 1/2

C. 2

D. 3

5. What is the name of the first president of the United States?

Answers: 1. I have no clue, but I'm sure every 18 year old can tell you, 2. An instrument used in biology to see small things, 3. a glass of milk, 4. 2, 5. George Washington

Test B

1. What is the derivitive of 4X^3 - 2X^2 + 36X + 4?

2. Which of the following is NOT an effect of the Protestant Reformation

A. The Catholic changed their ideas at the Council of Trent

B. Numerous branches of Christianity emerged

C. The rulers of Europe allowed the citizens of their countries to choose their own religion

D. A series of wars emerged throughout Europe

3. Which of the following is a synonym of abdicate?

A. announce

B. renounce

C. abduct

D. application

4. What is the native region of cheetah?

A. North America

B. South America

C. Asia

D. Africa

I'm sure that none of these questions will actually show on a state exam, but generally these tests are written the the highest or lowest level. Keep your eyes out for additional commentary on the Pennsylvania and American education systems. Just remember, Texas is just starting to fingerprint their teachers.

Savor this entry as it will be the last for several days.

The "hat" in hat trick

Finally my teams have won. Pitt hoops won against Seton Hall and Georgetown, Rhode Island beat Duquesne, and the Penguins beat the Rangers. It was quite exciting last night when Evengi Malkin put his third goal in during the last minute of play sealing his second career hat trick. As I watched him celebrate, the fans celebrated too by throwing their hats to the ice, a hockey tradition. This, of course, requires that the ice staff (facility workers) clean up. I found it quite amusing that the referees grabbed a stick to help "shoot" the hats into a pile, expediting the clean up process. However it got better. As these poor guys rushed out, the fans began tossing their hats at the ice workers hitting one guy several times. Since it is not a beer bottle, or as I have witnessed, nachos, I found this Hilarious.

This honorable tradition lead me to this question. What do they do with these hats? Listed below are several suggestions.

• Sell the hats in the gift shop - You make more money and just remember, there is a sucker born every minute
• Donate them to Goodwill - mmm.... the tax deduction... mmm
• Allow the "ice workers" to seek their revenge on the fans by swinging their giant bags of hats at the fans while they leave
• Give them all to the player who scored the hat trick
• Ship it, without postage or a return address label so that it goes into the mythical US Postal service holding cell
• Ship them to the other team's goaltender with the following note:

"Dear Goaltender,

Thank you so much for allowing me to disgrace last evening. It was so much fun watching my team's fans cheer so jubulantly. They went home so happy. Do you remember the goal that went through the 5-hole, a beauty wasn't it? We will see that on highlight reels forever! With all sincerity it was so much fun to disgrace you and your team and the bonus money will allow me to kick a few back at the bar. Next time you head into town we'll go out for a few before the game and maybe I'll have a repeat performance"

Sincerely,

Hockey Player

• Give them away as a promotional giveaway
• Throw them away

Please let me know if you have an answer for this age old question.

There's no business like show business... I guess

Due to the writers' strike we are without new episodes of almost every show. With the exception of some of the late night guys and shows who have some episodes "in the can" we are not going to see any new television shows for a few weeks. I have little knowledge of the feud between the writers and the studios, but I do sympathize with the writers who most likely get shortchanged by the studios. The studios rake in money long after a television show or program is off the air.



I realize that this blog is highly entertaining and makes quality new material for about thirty seconds on network television. I know I would make it as a stand-up comedian, I've got all the talent. Many have told me that I am the next Jerry Seinfeld, but my professional work as a pain in the ass is too valuable to this nation. With my expertise in the entertainment, I couldn't help, but to comment on last night's Golden Globe awards. In all truthfulness, and with the forty-five minutes, give or take, of the the Golden Globes I witnessed last night, I couldn't help but to wonder why the awards seemed to award the wrong people. Seriously I was baffled by the awardees. Were there reprecussions against the writers and actors for striking during this event? It really did not seem as though the proper people won.

We Wear short shorts

I really don't have much to say today, but I couldn't resist laughing at the image of Mike Huckabee taking a jog. I'm not really one who should comment on another person's wardrobe, but please this is bad. Check it out the 1:15 mark at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22597368#22597368

If anyone knows how I can take one frame to post on this blog I would love it. After 30 minutes and several unsuccessful tries, I gave up.

Go Rhody ----

I really don't have much to write, but GO Rhody!!! The #20 Rams battle the #17 Dayton Flyers tonight (right now). I'll have more on this later. Thank goodness for the internet since I don't subscribe to a crazy college basketball service from my cable company and the local bar won't show the game. I actually think that this is pretty cool. In the corner there are pictures of the players who just made a basket, foul, etc.

Introducing the new Alpha Beta Analog Digital High Definition Plasma Television

Although I would love to think of myself as technologically advanced, I am not. I resist new technology. I am frugal and become attached to my familiar surroundings. Therefore I do not buy into these new gadgets like ipods and cell phones with all the bells and whistles. I honestly believe that I was the last of my friends to own a computer and the last to own my own cell phone. If it works for me don’t change. That is my motto.

In the past couple of months I have seen increasingly more adds telling me that my television may need updated to digital technology. As a result, I have finally decided to get off my ass and try to figure this out. I am now researching this change to the new "Alpha Beta Analog Digital High Definition Plasma Television". Ok I do not truly to not now what any of these things are. Can someone please help me? Please avoid all that techno jargon. I don’t care about all the intricate details on how many watts my television cathode ray television has and how it uses the sun to transform my trash into a flashing light on my screen.

All I truly want to know is if I have to pay more money to watch television? If I resist the changes implemented by the television transmitters and manufacturers what is going to happen? Will my TV explode? Will Martians come eat me if I resist change? Will my television be deemed useless and thus have to be relegated to some landfill? Will Oprah hunt me down for using too much energy (Really you should check out the link to save our planet)? Will the CIA send me subliminal messages to launch a dangerous expedition high in the Rockies Mountains? Ok I am going a little overboard (or am I?), but what is going to happen with the February 2009 changes.

According to my research they are implementing this change for the following reasons:

"Digital Television (DTV) is an advanced broadcasting technology that will transform your television viewing experience. DTV enables broadcasters to offer television with movie-quality picture and sound. It can also offer multiple programming choices, called multicasting, and interactive capabilities. "Converting to DTV also will free up parts of the scarce and valuable broadcast spectrum. Those portions of the spectrum can then be used for other important services, such as public and safety services (police and fire departments, emergency rescue), and advanced wireless services." (Thanks KDKA)

The latter sounds like a reasonable reason for change. However, the former really means nothing to me. Unless my television begins to sound worse than my record player (yes I still have one and it works well), I really don’t care about the sound my television emits. When it comes to the picture I don’t need to have such clarity. Honestly do I need to see the nacho cheese stain, like the one on Gorbachev's head, on the fat guy’s shirt sitting behind home plate during the World Series? I also don't need to see him shoving a $10 beer and hotdog down his throat. Does this new change also mean that I will be forced to have that irritating 2-3 second delay as I rapidly press the up and down buttons on my remote?

I truly am not sure yet if I will be bitter or not. I just want to know what changes I should expect and how much, if any, additional money I and other may be forced to spend.

Classless soccer and the snobby referee?

So today I officiated my first soccer game of the year. Actually I officiated 4. I have tried, pretty successfully, to stay away from the pitch since the end of high school season, but was called into action a hand full of times. Who can resist a state 4A semi-final and the opportunity to work with your family. Since mid-November I have done 2 indoor games, which is a significant time off for me. However I can use some extra cash, had an itch to do some games and wanted a little exercise. I will state now that the pay is nice, but I truly do it becuase I love the game. That last statement will be contradicted later.

Indoor soccer, however, is a different breed. At its best it is a face paced, high scoring game, and very entertaining. However because indoor soccer facilities are businesses they have to make decisions to keep their customers happy. As a result every facility seems to have different rules and some facilities take away from the true spirit of the game. This is why my attention span for indoor lasts about 2 games. There is limited running as an indoor official, and timeouts are offered to teams indoor, which is a major difference than the outdoor game. So why do I mention this?

I breezed through games 1 and 2. In both games there was a superior team, which wond by 5 or more games. yawn. Game 3 was the most closely contested. However I am convinced that the coaches of these u-14 teams went to the closest skate park and convinced the best skateboarders there to play on his soccer team. Those who weren't skaters were football player rejects or taken from the computer labs. Needless to say they lacked skill and the final score was decided by 3 goals.

So, I'm on game 4 of the day. The home team shows up with 7 guys, which means they have one sub. The game started off competitive, but as the game wore on it was apparent they were the better team. With 6 minutes left in the home team is up 9-2. So here is my question. Was it classless for this team to call a timeout?

In my mind, I am a referee snob. I do not feel that I posses the aura that I must get a certain game or mock others who do "lower" games. I will gladly accept most assignments. However, when I do indoor I often think to myself "this game sucks" and "why did I agree to do an under 12 game". At the end of the day I am reminded why I did these games... $$$. I guess indoor soccer sucks (as a referee) because there is little or no running and you essentially stand in the same place for 4 hours and watch one team kick the other's ass badly.

As I stated earlier, I did the state 4A semi-final this year. Trust me driving 1 hour and 45 minutes, one way, for $80, is not doing it for the $$. Indoor... it's about them money. Does this make me a referee snob?

One more company to the hall of shame

Recently I changed by cell phone service from the great Sprint to ATT. I thought that this transition would be easy. So I look into the ATT plans, rollover minutes and other features seem to great. Prior to transferring my service I ask a number of important questions including questions about the fine print. The service rep makes no mention of the $26 activation fee and tells me that I am eligible for a free phone. I look at my options and choose the smallest, lightest phone only to find out that they do not have the “cord” to transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new one. I was assured that it would be in within next week or so.

Day 2: receive and are charged for a text message from an unknown person who tells me that it is not right to flirt with a girl and not call.

Day 3: I go to ATT and explain that my voicemail is not working. Additionally I ask about the cord. They work on the phone and the voicemail should be working. Oh, they didn’t have the cord.

Day 4: receive and am charged for the same exact text message from an unknown person. Despite the fact that they “fixed” my voicemail I cannot receive voicemail messages. Additionally they do not have the cord. I was put on the phone with someone at their customer service center. My voicemail is now fixed…. Whew. I ask them if it would be possible for them to call me when they receive the cord. They say no. Please keep checking back. How can a cell phone company have the inability to call me?

Day 6: No Cord

Day 10: No Cord

Day 12: receive an extraordinarily high bill. I am charged for texts that I did not want and for downloading a game, which was never done.

Day 17: No Cord. I am told we have to specially order it with our manager. I ask them to do this. Why is it that they do not have a cord for a phone that they sell?

Day 27: No cord. I am told that they do not know if the cord is in. I need to talk to the manager. Can I speak with him now? No. He is on his lunch break and won’t be back for an hour. I’m fuming. I call billing and to their credit, reverse unknown charges. I find out that people are allowed to solicit over the phone via text messaging. Thanks for telling me this when I sign up. I have them put a block on all solicitations. I go to another store that miraculously has the cord that I have waited 27 days so that I can transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new phone. Thanks to the very nice gentleman I now have my contact numbers. Additionally I was told how lazy the other store is. Please do not go to the first store.

P.S. I hate the phone itself.

Hockey in the freezer

Every so often there is a game for the ages. Baseball has “the shot heard around the world” Bobby Thomson’s home run in 1951, Bill Mazeroski’s miraculous homerun to the win the world series, and Kirk Gibson’s homerun in 1988. Football has its share of great games, the immaculate reception, the “catch”, and the “Play”. There are also many notorious games in college and pro football that were directly impacted by the weather.
We can cite this year Monday Night Football game with the Steelers and Dolphins or the Great Ice Bowl. Football is known for these games and is one reason why football is a great game to watch. Although I never took part in a game of this magnitude I loved playing soccer in the rain or on a windy spring day. I’m not sure how much of a role the weather played in those games, but it was fun and changed our mentality and preparation for these games. Gamesmanship is always a part of these games.

Outdoor elements played a role in today’s hockey game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Buffalo Sabres. Today’s game reminded me why I love hockey. It is a fast paced game, with long periods or non-stop action, and is extremely physical. Kudos to the NHL for a great job and idea of having an outdoor hockey game. It was everything it was billed as.

Aside from a few minor hiccups, it was a great game to watch. I’m sure that the NHL will learn from this experience. Here are a few things to consider for the future. The constant repair of the ice and the very odd switch of halves did not allow for gamesmanship to take place. Additionally there were some technical things that needed to be worked out for future broadcasts like when I experienced a pause in the action or loss of sound. One last suggestion is not to have a color contrast between the boards and the surface inside and outside of the rink. The outside of the boards were blue, which made me feel that I was watching an early morning new cast and was waiting for the news update, sports ticker, and traffic reports to scroll across the bottom of the screen. Although I wish there was a bit more scoring, it was a great game to watch. The NHL needs to have more of these highly visible games in the future. Don’t overdue it, but find the right formula for these games in the future. Great job NHL execs.